I love my brown eyes

Hey

I know you don’t check this blog but I wish sometimes you did because I wish to talk to you like this.

Darling, i know you’re upset because we havent been able to talk and i’m sorry. I want you to know that…..

And I think you might think that i’m not making an effort or that i’m not treating you like my “girlfriend” but….you are and I love you more than anything and everything…

please

I got upset because

I realized how much I connected with MJ.

In a way that I don’t think you’ll ever really be able to understand. Sorry babe, I want to share everything with you but I’m not sure if you’ll get it. And that’s not saying that you won’t, just that you might not.

I identify with MJ for so many different reasons. 

Childhood - This song…..every time he sings (sang..) it he cried. Do you understand the amount of raw emotion, and raw passion…..it’s inconcievable. And childhood….I feel as though i was born older beyond my years. That’s why i’m such a kid with you y’know? Like…I’ve had to be the adult for so many years….Mothering my brother….mothering my mother…mothering that hurt little 4 year old in my heart who never had the chance to be a kid dammit. Who never was able to be as fearless…who was always quiet, judging the situation at hand and figuring out what she could do to make everyone get along….Looking for the adult answer and finding a kid’s answer instead “it’s all my fault”. Baby you don’t understand how many fucking years, and how much fucking pain I’m in…..because I couldn’t stop him. GOD DAMMIT…….and how whenever I think about it, whenever that anger flares, I immediatly supress it….so i identify with this song. Mike….understood ”have you seen the wonders of my youth” 

I feel like the reason we both believe in magic and we both try (tried..) to create places of magic and wonder is because our childhoods were so fucking serious. Symptoms of a child forced to grow up to quickly.

The death of a truly good person. Someone who i felt understood me so completly. Ugh so many similarities. How we never let ourselves cry or seem weak in public…how we dedicate our lives to making the world a better place and fucking follow through with it….How we laugh and smile all the time to make others smile becuase we know what a shit hole this dirty world can be. And how we hold on close to our family. And not our biological family…no…the ones who we can trust to show how splintered and broken we are.

I miss him

I mean like…

I know that you like him…well not like, but i know that you value him as a friend more than me. 

I don’t care. 

I’ve been alone for most of my life anyway.

And I know I’ll do well in life

and i’ll be rich

and famous

and happy

and you’ll be miserable.

HA

fuck you

Ugh. I fucking made her cry dammit. And im really greatful to her I guess. I don’t like her very much, but she knows the basic decency of friendship. And until I can fly my little baby away, I guess I have to trust her to keep her stable.

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

AND FEELINGS and words…beautidul words that need to escape my head, for they like white wolly mammoths take up space and blend into the background…whispering…whispering and screaming at such a high volume that they turn onto whote noise and now as i type with my eyes closed praying that she’ll read this,

she who stumbled upon my public secret garden. Where my secrets mutate and are ground up and fed to the invisible mice who run through the walls hissing out explatives and knawing at my brain.

You can see from this poem, I am going insane.

My words are degrading into simple

My sentences left un-

nothing

nothing

And yet….Everything. I never realized until now how…..wonderful life can be when you’ve finally let the light in. i never knew how happy and safe and bright and delightfully scrumptious life could be. It’s like, for the first time….she’s opened those clinically heavy, white doors, and shown me that the most spectacular meadow exists right outside. It’s….beautiful.

Love…”if you can’t love yourself, how in hell you gonna love anybody else?”…i’ve been raised by these words and yet….”If the feeling persists for 90 days…you are in love” 

By loving her, I am loving myself. 

I’ve let myself get to vunerable. To soft. To weak…..It’s thrilling.

sigh…

I know i’m the only one who makes you laugh like that.

I’m sorry. I honestly did not mean to hurt you like this….ugh i’m so so sorry